First fast-food workers, now exotic dancers… it appears the minimum-wage-driven robotization of the American economy is hitting everyone…
After talks of raising the minimum wage have stirred across the country, The Ostrich's Matt Mitchell reports that Wesley's Boobie Trap CEO David Sellers warned that a drastic increase to $15 an hour could force him to fire his staff and replace them with exotic-dancing robots.
"The Trap," as it is known by loyal patrons, is a popular bar in Sayre, a small community on the outskirts of Jefferson County.
"It's cheaper to build a dancing robot than it is to hire another Jasmine or Tiffany at $15 an hour," explained Sellers. "Our dancers average about 3 hours of work a night. That's about….hold on….carry the one…well, it's a lot of money. I promise you that."
Sellers admits he's never actually built a robot before, but he has enrolled in a welding class at nearby Bevill State Community College. Until he completes his first fully functional robot, dancers will likely be replaced by those large inflatables that violently swing their arms.
"The car lots don't use those inflatables at night," said Sellers. "So there ain't no reason why they can't make a little extra money."
Sellers' statements about the robotic replacements spread quickly to The Trap's human dancers, who were not amused by the CEO's threats.
"Sure, we both take dollar bills, but can a dancing vending machine do THIS? Or how about THIS?" shouted a visibly angry Crystal as she did things we cannot describe without testing the limits of your employer's web filter.
To prove his regular customers wouldn't notice the difference between a typical human and robot dancer, Sellers pushed one of his prototypes onto the stage during a busy Saturday night. Comprised mostly of lawnmower scraps, the Tiffany 5000 twirled in front of customers for roughly 20 seconds before bursting into flames. Only one customer, known simply as "Lester," sustained an injury after he reportedly approached the blazing Tiffany 5000 to request a private dance.
While his prototype was a complete loss, Sellers deemed the trial run a huge success. Surveys obtained from customers that night ranked Tiffany 5000 as the 2nd most entertaining dancer, surpassed only by Lester, who performed the stop, drop, and roll flawlessly.
"This is a game changer," admitted Sellers. "I lost an entire robot tonight, but I'll just build another one tomorrow. If one of these girls loses a foot, they're out of commission for days. And when they do come back to work they're falling off the stage every other dance."
Despite Sellers' enthusiasm, some employees remain highly skeptical. Eileen, The Trap's most tenured one-legged dancer, said she thinks this robot talk is just a passing fad. She believes the Average Joe comes to Wesley's to escape the modern, industrial world and enjoy a simpler time when men displayed their approval for women by banging wooden blocks on the table.
"When I started to work here, there was no such thing as a minimum wage," stated Eileen. "Then Obama was elected and the government decided everyone should make at least a nickel an hour. Next thing you know, I'm being replaced by a mannequin on roller skates."
The mannequin dancers lasted less than a week after one accidently rolled into the parking lot and across Highway 78, where it was immediately run over by a coal truck.
"The customers were devastated," recalled Eileen. "Lester still won't talk about it."
At press time, Lester was still in the hospital receiving treatment for multiple burns and a broken heart. He is expected to return to The Trap tonight, against medical advice.
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